Celebrity Christmas (2001)

Gerri Halliwell will turn on the lights
Set London ablaze for thirty nights
Vinny Jones will be here
To sign your stuff and spread good cheer

Gary Rhodes will bake a Christmas tree
And Shaggy will go supping with the cast of Cold Feet
Travis and Cerys will duet
And prance like tits around some makeshift set

Danni Behr will wear a Santa Suit
And dragoon Jeff Hoon into being seasonally cute
And Andy Cameron and big Mike Reid
Will jolly up the peasants 'til their eyeballs bleed

Cilla Black in some ridiculous dress
stuckled up with make-up will dissect George Best
Peter Sissons will sing
The theme from MASH with a piece of Sting

Gary Barlow will knock out a tune
As the stink of Sir Cliff fills every room
And Gaby Logan will decorate trees
With medical waste and Saskia Reeves

In an aerosol snowdrift, Steps will drown
As a fibreglass reindeer pins Bjork to the ground
And Alan Titchmarsh will be crucified
On a Tracey Emmin scaffold made out of mince pies

Tim Henman and Madonna's niece
Will juggle to the music of Judas Priest
On a river barge Dennis Norden will suck
Plectrums from the crevices of Peter Buck

Stevie Nicks on a pantomime horse
Will re-enact scenes from Inspector Morse
As Louis Theroux meets Lulu on glue,
Jamie Oliver will feed himself to Meatloaf's crew

Gary Glitter back from the dead
Will serenade a cherub with a pudding for a head
Martin Bell and Stuart Lee
Will disembowel Dido with a piano key

Fern Britten in a stolen car
Will crash into a crowd queuing for Mark Lamarr
Ben Elton's glasses on the carcass of a pig
Will turn up doing cartwheels at an Elbow gig